Why?

Sometimes I really wonder why….

I wonder why my life has turned out to be this way. I wonder why history repeats itself. I wonder why. Why?

Is it something I have done? Is there really such a thing as karma? Is that why? Would that mean that somehow I have asked for this life? Why?

I have spent my life striving to be more, professionally, not for me, but for my family. My family; Jessica, James, Mary, and my current partner Chris. If I work hard, do all I can, be responsible, meet the deadlines, and make achievements, I will go further, make a better modest pay and provide for those I love. I am and always have been the provider, that’s my job here, provide. If I provide for them they will be happy. Every child deserves to look back on a happy childhood and be provided for. But is it ever enough? Why?

You know, that sounds funny to me, partner. Is he really my partner? Sometime I feel like he works against me, not with me. Isn’t that the way partners should be, together, working toward the same goals, trying to achieve the same things, and looking forward to the same things? Shouldn’t you be supporting each other as you muddle through the everyday, shouldn’t you be supporting each other emotionally, shouldn’t you be understanding of the others point of view, opinions, hopes, desires, dreams and wishes? And why is that so hard for me to find, not that I need to find that mind you. Why?

I went to Bri’s funeral the other day. That was a hard day for me. I was nothing to him, a friend yes, but nothing more, none the less it was a hard day for me. I realized as I was walking into the church, that long walk, that I was walking alone. I watched as others supported each other, as people traveled through this process, the funeral home, and the church, the cemetery and the Century House in pairs or more. I was alone. They departed in cars and trucks with driver and passenger. It was a bit surreal, but a reality. I know it’s a metaphor, but the truth in a lot of ways. I realized that no matter who is in my life, they come and they go, but I go through this journey of life alone. Never once did he ask if I needed his support, if he should come with me. Then I realized that when it was someone in his family, he went alone, although I offered to go for support, he did not want me there. Alone. Why?

So why is this? It is not just him; it has been all the others before too. I go to the family events, whether it is what I want to do or not, holidays, birthdays, celebrations and sorrows. Yet somehow when it is my family, I go alone. I try to take the high road, do the things that are responsible, supportive, and just plain the right thing to do, so why don’t the people I choose to share my life with? Not just one, one and all. Why?

Maybe, just maybe that is the way it was meant to be for me. I am okay with that of course, I can be alone and not want for the companionship of another, however when it finds me and I let it happen and let someone in, it changes. It happens. It happens, over and over again which leads me to believe that I must cause this to happen. Look within many would say, find out why things repeat, find out why the same ugly feeling arise each and every time. Only I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just destiny. When I picture myself getting old, when I imagine my golden years, the image is of me alone. Why?

Bri had finally found happiness but it was taken from him. Is that how it works? Do you strive your lifetime for happiness only for it to come to an abrupt end? Why?

It seems like such a simple thing, happiness. Yet it seems to be what we all strive to achieve. Some spend their life chasing what they believe will bring that happiness, more often than not, money. I have stopped chasing the money with the silly notion that it will make me happy, it will not. I know it will not. I want happiness in a peaceful home without turmoil. I know life is not all rosy, but shouldn’t we be able to have a single day of smiles? Do I really have a warped sense of reality to think this is not too much to ask for? I want to hear my children laugh, I want to see Jessica smile, a rare commodity, I want what seems to be so simple yet it is so hard for me to get. Why?

Sacrifice is a funny thing. Somehow I have thought that making sacrifices would mean that I would make others happy and that would come back to me. Maybe, now that I am 42, it is time for me to learn that it is not true. That is not how it works. I always thought that if I made the sacrifices it would be worth it. What goes around comes around, pay it forward, do for others and they will do for you. I think I was wrong. Sacrifices come in all shapes and sizes, from buying the kind of bread that the other likes instead of the kind I like, giving your last dollar to your child so their day was better instead of yours, carting them from lesson to games without a care for whether you made it home for dinner, or had dinner at all, dresses you can’t really afford, dance lessons year after year when your not sure how your going to pay, volunteering at school, chaperoning, giving up events you long to attend so you can be there for what is important to them. From the smallest of items to things that make your heart ache, but for what? After all, I still get told that I don’t do enough. That I don’t try. It is all I do, try. Why?

Should I have chosen a different road, be all for one and one for all? Would I have faired better? Should I have put my needs and wants first? Should I buy myself name brands and the kids the clearance cloths? Should I put my foot down and not attend those events that I don’t enjoy, that conflict with other things that I want to do? I just don’t think I have that in me, I don’t think I am capable of being selfish and watching those around me sad. I don’t think I can let down those who have expectations, or to not do the respectful, honest, responsible thing. Would it make a difference? Why?

More often then not lately I feel like I am fighting against the world. Against time, against the economy, against it all. Why?

I spend my days trying to make everyone happy but failing. How is it that you can try with every ounce of your being, in every aspect of your life and not win at a single one? Why?

My days are busy and stressful as I try to do it all at work, to earn the respect, to be smarter, to get it done and contribute enough. The goal, to be respected, earn and continue to earn enough to support those for whom I am responsible, to earn enough not to be rich or have more things than the next person but to earn enough to make ends meet and have enough to provide the kids with the things that they want. Sports, camps, dance lessons, daycare, entertainment, parties, school supplies, basics, the never ending basics of heat, electricity, food, transportation the list is truly never ending and ever rising, and never is it enough to make everyone happy, the ultimate goal. Then I get the pleasure of heading home, exhausted, but knowing full well I am headed to a new set of responsibilities and a new set of stresses and inevitable someone will be upset with me. If I do for one, the other will be mad and vise versa. How do I choose the right road? And, why?

There are times, many times, that it seems no matter what my decision, what permission, what punishment, what chore, what I chose to eat, what I didn’t eat, what glass I want to drink from, what time I get home, what time I go to bed, what anything….will be the wrong thing. Someone somewhere will judge and more often then not, it will be the one that I expected more of. The one that I expected to help me, physically and emotionally, yet that very same one is the one that hurts me emotionally the most. On second thought, maybe not the most. I keep thinking that the end of a hard day is when I would fall into some strong arms that understand and support without judgment, hatred or anger. Shouldn’t the front door of your home open up to the place where you want to be and are wanted? Why?

So, is that it. Is that what my life is all about? Is that the journey that I am destined? Try to be the peacemaker, rush from this place to that always trying to get someplace where someone else needs or wants me to be? When will it be my life? When will I travel where, when and how I want to? What is the destination? When my end comes, like Bri’s, Quint’s and so many others, where will be the happy memories the laughter and the stories and the pictures? At this point, and for as long as I can remember everyday has been a struggle, a giant fight.

Summer is around the corner again. My 43^rd summer. I have dreams of my own for this coming summer.

No more slammed doors, no more words of hate, no more yelling, no more anger, and the ability to decide for myself and my kids what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what to eat, when to sleep and everything in between. Shared responsibility, smiles, respect, courtesy, kindness and laughter, a garden, and memories of happy times with my kids, family and friends. I want the kids to be happy, be responsible and helpful, but have time for fun. Maybe a trip to Boston or New York to see the wonder of the city in the eyes of my children. Miniature golf, walks in the park or at the zoo, ice cream cones and swimming. And time for me, without the guilt. I want to ride. I want destinations unknown and winding roads, and trips to the track, and the freedom to go, when time allows without knowing in my heart that someone is angry for the decisions I made, or my selfish want for time to be me. I want to be able to go, and I don’t expect to be able to be free but only to be free for a few short periods of time, free however means free of the worry and heartache that I shall cause others. Free from knowing someone will be angry, free from having to look at the clock or answer.

Only I know what will happen, I will be forced to make choices, choices that there are no right answers for, choices that someone will be mad at me for. I know I will be made to feel guilty because there is only so much time and never enough to satisfy others.

I wish I could do it all, but I know that I cannot. But we continue to try. I cannot be all things to all people and I cannot be responsible for the happiness of others. Either they will be happy or not regardless of my choices